How to be more assertive – gain more confidence
89What is the secret of being more assertive? What are assertive people doing right that others are not doing at all? How do you become more confident? People who have more confidence are more assertive, thus more in control of things. The human mind is an amazing thing. It has such control over our lives. There are at least Three Steps towards becoming more assertive. These steps are proven, and can make a big difference in our lives, our work place with colleagues and customers, in our home lives, in relationships, in education and in parenting. This is all about better emotional health, assertiveness training and about the ability to think clearly. So what do we need to become more assertive? Why do some of us have no confidence, and others do have it? We can discover through learning. There is the Three Step Program, and the Six Techniques to enact and enable. There are some strange new words and terms we will discover, like Self-talk and Assertive Behaviour. And believe me, this is do-able.
The First Step we must take is to boost and strengthen our self-esteem and confidence. Think about it, if self-esteem confidence is low, it will undermine us at every turn. Things turn against us because we let it happen through something called Self-talk. So we must combat the self-talk that produces negative comments and situations.
Secondly, and this is important - we must make it clear to ourselves about what we want. It’s amazing how many things we think we want but don’t want. It’s surprising how we talk ourselves out of the prize or be allowed to give up the prize or issue at hand, all because we don’t want that thing enough. This clarity is vital so that we can counter-act that so-called pep talk or spin or bluster we usually get from aggressive people. We get it in the shopping Mall, on the doorstep, and conned into buying that thing we never really needed anyway. So we must be clear about What We Want.
Thirdly, we need to know our own value – and believe that we have the very same entitlements and rights as others in order to have our beliefs, our interests and our views respected. This is a hard thing for some people, while easy for others. Why? And how can we – knowing this – now apply it to ourselves?
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There are Six Techniques to Action and Enablement. The better we can implement them, the more successful we will be and the more assertive we will become. Cognitive Behavioural Specialists and Therapists teach these to people. So what I am going to tell you is pure Gold and you will benefit from this.
Technique One: We listen to others. So give the other person(s) your total undivided listening attention, and concentrate on what they are saying. Listening hard means we are picking up on how and what the person is feeling, and allows us to Verify it. Listening hard means we hear what is said and the Way it is said. We hear people using a certain “tone”. More assertive people use tone in how they say things more. We verify them by telling them:
“I believe you...you are concerned about...” Or you will say “This sounds very upsetting / annoying to me...” And so forth.
Technique Two: Use the term “I” and not the term “You” in your statements. Sometimes when you start using the “You” word too much, you are indirectly telepathing that you agree with the other person(s) in the conversation, and shifting position, which you may not intend. So use the “I” word, since by describing your feelings and thoughts with words that have “I” in them – means it is in your words and your own message and not others, instead of perhaps blaming others or judging them. The “I” word helps you avoid judging, blaming or evaluating and this is important. For example saying “I am annoyed by...” sounds much better than “You annoyed me because...” – and eliminates being defensive by linking it to another person’s behaviour. It is surprising how many people pick this up subconsciously in your conversations. Remember that we are not here to score points against others, merely to be more assertive. Read this until you understand it.
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The Boss faces you and leans into you and hisses in a low stern voice – “Are you here to argue with me or agree with me?” You sit relaxed and face the person opposite you and reply – “I am here to listen...” So you are not agreeing and not being cajoled either.
This might not be the work place. This might be home with you and your partner. It might be anywhere, but in context to what is happening perhaps in a life now. Instead of reacting to the event, we control the event, by asserting ourselves.
Technique Three: Be as short and brief as possible. This means that we must give a legitimate reason for our refusal / disagreement (or whatever it is) while avoiding elaborate explanations and justifications. People are always trying to persuade us out of whatever position we are taking on some issue or subject, and we have to maintain our position – no matter what. Why I am saying this is important. Other people will nearly always try to argue you out of your “no” position. A kid will argue with a parent, a student will try arguing with the teacher, an employee will try to argue it with a boss. Or perhaps it will be vice versa. Giving long answers can be an excuse for others to undermine our position. Some good journalists on TV in interviews with politicians will try to get the person to change their “no” or see is it a real no. So use “No” when declining. No is very final and has much more meaning than saying “ um, well, I don’t think so...”.
Technique Four in being assertive: Manage criticisms more. Has anyone ever tried during an argument to “label” you? You must refuse to be labelled by others. These are criticisms that are one step away from name-calling, insulting, preparatory insulting, or again – an effort to undermine you somehow. How you do this is – you agree with reasonable criticism, then apologise appropriately – and then ask for clarification.
If, on the other hand, you wish to complain, you must identify the problem, state your opinions, (without exaggeration) and remember to focus on the “I” and not “you” thing while spelling out what you want in a calm way.
Technique Five: Use you body. There is always a physical element involved in being assertive. This will show in your eye contact, your stance, your posture, tone of voice, movements and in gestures. It is also seen in your facial expressions and in the distance between you and others. You should also ensure that those non-verbal gestures mimic or mirror your verbal messages. Avoid contradiction. Always shake your head when you say “No”. That action is as loud as the word itself. Some people actually smile and nod out of politeness even when saying no. In some foreign cultures this would be normal, such as in Asia. You should face the person, standing or sitting straight, with no dismissive gestures, with a pleasant yet serious facial expression, voice calm and soft, and without being whiney or in any way abrasive. Doing this, and being in tune with your body’s message is so important, it’s as important as your actual words.
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Technique Six: Say “No” with confidence. This is just so important. We are often under pressure to sometimes say yes, though we’d rather say no. Especially in the workplace with that supervisor or boss. And we yield to the “yes” part despite our better judgement. Some times we are afraid the other person will think badly of us or is a close friend we want to please. Or maybe we don’t have clear priorities. Saying “No” is not rude or even selfish. It’s just us treating our desires and needs as equally important.
We must never agree to something without first sleeping on it, if we are not sure. This is an effective way for putting things into perspective. And it’s a good habit to have. Habit is a valuable word here. Our communication style is a set of learned behaviours. Very similar to habits. Habits that we can have total control over if we choose. So in the end, Assertive Behaviour is a skill that can be easily learned and remembered and maintained with practice. It takes no more than a few weeks to be very proficient at Assertive Behaviour, and it can have a profound and positive effect on the quality of all our lives. You will notice a boost in your confidence and self-worth, and people around you will notice it too. What we have discussed here is Confidence Training. Building self confidence in yourself and being more assertive can dramatically lift your mood, and improve your life. It will help you overcome shyness. I hope this hub helps you in your goal towards being more assertive and confident. Remember that you are worth it!
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Hello Simey! You have set another speed record! I swear you were waiting for this hub to pop up here! *Smiling here* Thanks for the comments. Yes, we are all a bit lacking in that confidence at times, or our confidence gets knocked by someone or something. Being assertive is not that tricky to learn, as I discovered. You are welcome to bookmark this. Thank you for that. Take care, moi friend, and enjoy your day. It's a heatwave here, it seems! : D
I swear I live in hope of them popping up lol, but back to the hub and I gotta say I liked it a lot. And tis nice to see you using the moi friend, just shows I have rubbed off on you, hmmmm you were asleep at the time, I couldnt help moiself, enjoy the match and good luck to England ; ) xoxo
Hello BadCo: live in hope of WHAT popping up? Is that what I think it is, Mister? Oh my! LOL! Rubbed off on me, haw? Putting it like that, I'd have remembered, Art! Hehehehe! Yes, you can't help yourself! You're incorrigible! But you always make me smile, Cap'n! Yes, I do have moi particular style of talking here, don't I. I am glued to the Football more than usual. People in work won't stop talking about the French getting knocked out of the running. I could hear the laughter all round the offices! : D Take care, moi friend! XOXOX
My Dear Cheeky girl, I love this hub, this is so strange because I was thinking about this the other day. When I was young I was so shy and could not speak up, now that I am old, I say right out to them what I feel, it's not important if they like me or not, I just tell people to go take a hike. LOL finally, and it feels so good. Thumbs up rate high and useful and awesome...your friend...
Hello Darlene: thank you for these kind words. Well, I am glad you came out of your shell, or shyness phase, if I may describe it thus. I am glad you have no fear about telling others to take a hike. It's a necessary part of how we mature as people, I guess. Well, that is showing that you are more assertive, and hey - that's cool! Heh! I am glad you are enjoying life more as a result! You remind me of someone who lost a shilling and found a five pound note! LOL! You always make me smile with your great sense of humour! Cheers! And thank you for the rating! You're a star! : )
Dedicated my new hub to you and Cathy, hope you girls enjoy it ; ) xox
Hy Art! Oh really??? Oh my - I better head over to it and check it out! Thanks so much for this! You are a Star! really! : ) XOXOX
The message of this hub is excellant!! However, if we use "we" instead of "I" it includes all along with me and this works miracle in business setup because I have seen that my manager and staff are made more responsible!! On the other hand they cant question their boss in saying "we" which is any way of more higher ethical order!!
Kudos to you for a hub with a difference, having a lot for the readers!! :)
Hy dreamreachout: I am glad you get the message here, moi friend. Yes, the "we" works just as well. The purpose of what I wrote is intended for business as well as personal interpretation. I like making hubs that connect on many levels anyway, and this subject fits that dynamic.
I have no problem with staff questioning their bosses. Especially if they can add value through that process. I question my own boss endlessly, but then I am his PA! LOL! Questions are part of work life, I find. Everyone in the workplace has to read from the same sheet anyway.
Thanks for the comments here. Take care! : )
Great hub. I always struggle with this issue of assertiveness, but i find myself being assertive in certain situations and not in other situations. If i feel more knowledgeable about a particular topic, I become assertive enough to defend my views on it 9normally happens in the workplace)
Hy medallion1979: H'mm, that's an interesting point you mention here. Being assertive in some areas but not in others. I wonder are you better in dealing with people you know as opposed to people you know less, or is it vice versa? We all have areas and subjects where we flourish because we can articulate better about them. Confidence can come from many things. Some good comments here, medallion! Thanks!
Oh this is very thorough Cheeky, my girl, I like all the advices you put here, specially listening and the "I" part, and making sure you know what you want, rated it up as usual beautiful like us hehe,I like the image and the quote you put towards the end, plus I like her earrings, hehe. Maita
Hey Maita! Good to see you here, as always! Glad you like the tips. Yes, the "I" part is important, and knowing what you want. Well I put good images in moi hubs, as you know!! I get my royalty free images from a reputable source! Credited and all! Trust you to like the ear rings on the last girl! You have an eye for detail there, I see. Thanks for the comments, moi friend! Yes, we are beautiful, aren't we! LOL! : )
Cheeky, I love this article. You pointed out great suggestions and techniques for gaining confidence. Very thorough and explicit. I think I'll re-read it again in the morning while having my coffee. Thanks!!
Hello Madison: hey, I am glad you liked the hub. It really can be done. It's all down to having more control on our lives and understanding and changing the self-talk we go through. Our minds have a powerful influence on our lives. Thanks for the comments, moi friend. Enjoy your coffee too!
Cheeky Girl- Great advice............. thumbs up! I think a lot of people will benefit from this! K
Hello Kaie: hey I like your new avatar.I'm glad you like the hub. I hope people will benefit. It's simpler to do than people think, in becoming more assertive. Cheers!
YES!
These were all the problems I used to have(and still kinda do lol)I always let others control MY decision because I wasn't assertive.This will certainly help alot of people who need it^_^*hugs*
Hello Alya, moi friend! Seeing you here always puts a smile on moi face! Heh! To tell the truth, you were on my mind a wee bit as I wrote this, but I hope you dont mind my saying that. It's always a joy to hear from you! : )
Cheeky,
great article. I have a big problem with self-esteem even though I have mastered many accomplishments and did so while battlling mental illness and many physical illnesses as well. I sure will bookmark this page and re-read and try to learn these techniques.
Warmest regards, chris
Hy christalluna: I was in mid reply to this earlier and my pc crashed or froze or had a relapse. Glad I am back! Sorry for the lateness of my reply here.
There are many people in the world who have had to battle one difficulty of some kind or another, and it is not easy. The important thing is that we don't need to feel guilty about the things in question, we have the minds and the intellect to deal with the issues and we are adaptive and can learn and grow. And yes, we can overcome. I am so glad to have shared this info here in this hub, and I wish you every success in life and more. I am glad if it helps in any way at all. Thanks for your kind comments here. I may do another hub on this subject, as it is a popular subject with Hubbers! Cheers! Best regards from me, Cassy.
Great help on be3ing more assertive, love the new sites and layout. :)
Hy Katie: always good to get your comments, moi friend! I am glad it is helping you. And thanks for the love for the new sites! Some are kind of there a while, and some are newer! Cheers! : )
Helpful tips, well constructed hub, constructive comments and an attractive and 'neuron-stimulating' set of pictures cap this hub to be a complete package. Looking forward to reading more of your hubs. Thanks for making this community a blessing to me
Hello Dchosen_01: wow, with compliments like this - this is why I love making Hub Pages. You sure know how to make a Hubber happy! Thanks for the lovely comments here, and I look forward to checking more of your work too. Enjoy the Hubs here! Cheers!
excellent advice, when a person is to wisshey washey with what they are trying to convey they allow others the opportunity to sway them from what they really want. great informaion and to the point!
Hy Dawn: thanks for this. Yes, being wishey washey is not a terribly goo thing. Much better for the person to decide what they want and sate it simply and clearly. In Sales jobs, workers are trained to overpower and snowball their victims and push all the time, till they get a sale. They ought to teach assertion in schools to kids and show them that its okay to be proactive and decisive without being over-the-top. I have seen some people compensate for not having that assertive ability by being rude or abusive and it is not necessary. Its amazing how simple it can be to just practice being assertive and being confident. Glad to help, as always! Take care. : )
Pat writes: several years ago I went on a 2 day course to learn how to be assertive. It was one of the best training events I have ever attended. People confuse aggression with assertion (too bad).
Hello 2patricias: congrats on you doing the course. It's a good idea. Some companies will send staff on courses like this to help them overcome phobias they might have - like in sales or presentation or even drama or acting / performing. It's a great idea. Your point about people confusing aggression with assertion is well made! Thanks for the comments!
Cheeky Girl,You did a great work! The hub is very well analyzed, provides useful tips to become a better person and have a lovely layout!
Hello Nikipa: aw shucks, that's nice of ya! I appreciate the comments. Well, I am planning more hubs like it. I think it is an interesting subject, and in the modern fast moving and busy times we lie in, we need more advice and information on how to be more assertive and confident with ourselves. Thanks for this, Nikipa.
Say No with confidence, I like that and use your body, eye contact etc. All are good points my Cheeky I am back and I am glad to read your hubs, Maita
Hy Maita! We missed you, friend! Glad to have you back!! Yes, saying no with confidence, it can be done! Self belief needs a boost, and having more confidence does this instantly! It's better than a pay rise. Okay, almost better! Heh! Cheers for the comments, Maita! Love the link! : )
Written with the maturity and perception that is characteristic of you Cheeky. Training as a counsellor, I can only concur with your advice - it's perfectly spot on!
There is a fine line between being confident and just plain bossy and self centered and you've handled the difference well. 'Saying “No” is not rude or even selfish- It’s just treating our desires and needs as equally important.' Exactly! Hopefully, this hub should help lots of people on the path to self assurance and self worth. Btw. isn't there something so alluring about men and women who exude confidence? I for one, love people like that! Anyway, hope you do well...take care and much love x
Hello myownworld: thank you for these comments. I sure appreciate it. Congrats on the training for the Counsellor work. It will I imagine be a very rewarding vocation.
Yes, there is that fine line between confident and bossy /self-centered. I agree, and many people can miss-interpret one for the other, resulting in poor communications and all kinds of other things, like begrudgery, disgruntlement, disenchantment and animosity. Plus a few more I could add. Every family, school room or job place must have its fair share of this. The path to self-worth and confidence is one well worth exploring. Some people need help re-integrating themselves back into society and friendships after undergoing various situations, like bereavement and trauma of some kind. Actually I envy you in your chosen field, MOW, it's a rewarding area to work in. I am sure you will be Great in this work! : )
Yes, there is something alluring - we all gravitate towards people like that. We seem to be conditioned to want our leaders and bosses and managers and teachers (and parents) to be like that, and be positively re-enforcing as well. That's not to say we should leave anyone behind or leave others out. Everyone has something wonderful to offer the world or something to contribute, whether a skill, or talent or gift or just their own adorable selves (LOL!) it's just a question of finding it and bringing it out. And nurturing it of course.
I have a weird memory of a one liner from my teens, from years back - "all living things need helpful belonging..." If you keep repeating it to yourself, all kinds of possibilities open up to us. I never forgot that.
Cheers, moi friend. Best wishes to you too! Much love also! XX : )
Hello Cheeky Girl,a very insightful post which could help a lot people out there who sadly do not relaise they require help..me being a victim of low self esteem previously, can totally relate to your methods mentioned above and am sure would assist whoever reads it..I am happy to be reading your articles.. Cheers
Hello @Magic Boy: I hope it does help people, and the low self-esteem thing, that can be debilitating for people. I am glad you can relate and I appreciate your honesty. I do believe in the power of the mind and how it can influence our behaviour and how we can adapt. It does take practice, but with insight and a little patience, marvelous things can come from it. Thanks for the comment! : )
I wish women would be more assertive towards me.
Hello mathewshower: Why do you say that, may I ask?
Hey Cheeky!This is an amazing article.Haha I think this is something everyone can relate to..Love it!
Hello SuperCC: why thank you for this nice comment. Well, I want lots of people to relate to this as we can all learn a little from it, hopefully. Cheers! I am glad to be a fan of you also! : )
Thanks for a great read Cheeky Girl. I am very supportive of building self esteem and self confidence and this compliments by interest really well. Thanks Again.
Hello YourTrueStyle: gosh, that's a nice comment here, and I thank you for it. I firmly believe in empowering everybody so they can be more in sync with their own goals and target their achievements better. (I don't have a magic wand to just make it happen, sadly - wish I did!) Having more confidence and being more assertive will certainly help everyone. Especially women. Cheers, and thanks for this!
CG,
I am at a loss for words.This hub has been written with such assertion I am sure anyone who reads this will get a boost on self confidence.We need this - the way we have to face different kinds of people and situations in our daily lives.
Beautiful post!I loved it!
Uma
Hey, Uma07, or can I call you Uma? I am glad you had a read of this. I believe in this concept that we can train ourselves to be more confident and have the ability to assert ourselves more. Yes, people do need this, people everywhere can benefit from this. I look forward to reading more of your great hubs too. Cheers! :)
This is well thought out and simple to follow .. thank YOU for sharing and helping us all. I knwo know for me the self talk is something I keep a close ear on daily. I like technique 2 as well that little switch truly can make a difference huh. Again Thank YOU
~Expect Miracles
Hello Shane: thanks for the comments. yes, it is useful to share this valuable information. It will pay dividends for people with practice. Cheers & thanks again. :)
Agree and very welcome!
Have a Fun Week!!!!
What new HUBs are you working on these days?
~Expect Miracles
I wish I had access to an article like this when I was a young woman. An article like this would have helped me a lot. You have written another excellent Hub and one that is packed full of interesting and practical information.
You write in a way that is easy to understand and easy to follow which is a tribute to your skill as a writer. I will be voting this Hub up and hitting the useful button. You have won yourself a new fan sorry I mean a new follower (who is a fan) thanks for this excellent Hub.
Hello Shane: great to get your nice comments here. I am working on two hubs, as a matter of fact, and juggling that with my blog, website, other writing on the web, and a book I am rushing to complete before Christmas. But as for being busy...why, what does that word mean? Hehe! Take care! :D
Hy maggs! Wow, you are sure doing the rounds on my hubs today! Is that four you have read? Goodness, go and make yourself a nice cup of tea, there's plenty of time and no rush!! :)
You might ask where were these kinds of articles back in the day, when you needed them? I think the world has changed and now people demand more access to important or relevant information. Plus the Internet is a great leveler, which is why I love the net so much.
Well, I am honored to have you as a fan (follower sounds kind of religious, and I am just human!) Oh I have to come and read your hubs too! Maggs, I really appreciate the kind comments on my hubs. That is very decent of you. Have a wonderful day. You made me a happy hubber today! :D
Back in the day a computer took up a whole room all by itself and was only used commercially as there were no pcs.
The Internet was not invented yet and the only mouse we knew of was the little rodent of which there were plenty. Lol... :)
yes busy in deed .. feel you should also listen to yourself and enjoy that cup of tea regularly smiles. Would love to know more about the book more smiles. and Hugs
Have a Special Week!
~Expect Miracles
Hello again maggs! Back in the day, pcs were large monsters that overheated and broke down a lot! LOL! As for the mice, yes, I have had my fair share of them way back. Now, they just sit on the table obediently cabled to the pc. Just the way I like it!
Hy Shane, I am about to have a cup as I speak. The book is a book of my experiences which will be very similar to three of my hubs called the "Encounters" hubs. It will be published on Lulu.com, a website where you can upload your own script and then have it bought (as a paperback book) by the general public just like you buy any regular things or books on the net. Halfway through it at the moment. I will announce when its ready! Cheers! :)
Awesome will check those HUBs out and keep an ear out for the book I am familure with Lulu. FYI - Amazon also ahs a simular thing or even for ebooks even better.
Enjoy that tea I am with mine now smiles
~Expect Miracles
Hy Shane, and thanks for this. Yes, I am planning an announcement hub too. I did a hub on Lulu.com. Yes, you can have your Lulu books sold on Amazon and Barnes & Noble, they do a deal with them, I hear. Cheers.
..I must assert my opinion here and state your confidence is always a sight to behold when I arrive at your hubs - and learn, listen and enjoy!
It's bringing someone out in me that I didn't know existed.
Hello epigramman: well, I am taking this as a compliment here, moi friend! My confidence is directly proportional to how Cheeky I am! Hehehe! Bringing out something, haw? Hope it's not a rash!! LOL! I am so funny today! Excuse my humour here, epigramman. Cheers! :D
This hub helped me build up confidence in me.
Hello thomas30: I often wonder what builds up doubt and hesitation in people, and I am fascinated by the whole area of gaining more confidence, and how to be more assertive. It can be very liberating. If it works for you, then you can blame it all on me! Heh! Only kidding! Best of luck, thomas!
This was GREAT Cheeky! I swear I'm going to print it, and put it in my pocket for quick reference! Onto the future! I can't even tell you how many times in the past I could have benefited by having read this!
Thanks brandonfan! You are welcome. You should just bookmark it, so it's always in the browser, easy to retrieve any time. That's what I do. Heh! The way to be more assertive can be a positive change for someone. I am happy to see lots of people - including you - find it so useful. Glad I am on Hub Pages! :D Have a great weekend, my friend!
A stand up girl;
More Power to you.
Great Hub.
Very Insightful.
Great for jacks of all Trades.
Keep doin' what you do.
I look forward in reading more!
Good morning, NikiiLeeReyes: many thanks for these kind comments. Gosh, I am borderline blushing here. My partner Astra Nomik is telling me about your hubs here over breakfast. She says she has been to the top of the mountain, and she found you, apparently. Hehehe! Or something to that effect. I exaggerate a bit, but she's not often wrong. Anyway, she is raving about your hubs!
Feel free to check my hubs here too. Cathy speaks very highly of you, Nikii. I look forward to reading your hubs later after work. My work beckons. Cheers, all!
I am a teacher and am definitely going to use some of these tricks towards being more assertive in class, it is amazing the little things we dont realise we are doing and how it can be fixed, auch as saying I ind=stead of you, something I do far too much of! thanks for the great hub!
Hello nicnac - I am glad you find the tips here useful, and feel free to share and implement as you see fit. Yes, those little things and habits we have - or perhaps lack, as the case may be. Let me know how you get on. I hope others find it useful too. It will improve relationships and strengthen bonds. Cheers!
A really well written Hub full of excellent advice. I have learned to use the "I" instead of "You" in last few months when talking to my partner and have found it opens the doors to conversation instead of an argument. Will also give some of your other tips a go and pas this Hub on to friends. Kudos to you!
Hello Justilvie, thanks for these lovely comments! I am delighted that you are trying that and it produces better results! Oh feel free to make use of anythiig here - I am so happy for you, and pass it along too! Cheers! Glad you found this useful! :)
I like this article, especially the last part about saying "No!"
Hey Blondey, thanks for this! The saying "No" part is so important. You'd be amazed how many people just don't know how to say no to someone. I hope this helped. Cheers! :)
Great piece, very useful information. Overall self confidence is key.
Hello Jason! Say hy to Nikki for me! She is awesome! And yes, confidence is like Red Bull, as someone told me the other day... it does give you wings, sort of! LOL!
SimeyC Level 5 Commenter 23 months ago
Excellent advice here! One of my biggest problems is self esteem – despite some of my achievements, I still manage to ‘belittle’ myself at times and have no self belief. I’ll bookmark this site – it has a lot of common sense advice and I need to read it often and take heed!